4 Ways Abusive Relationships Take Root.

We often read about how already formed relationships become abusive, but we hardly read about how or why the relationship started. Often articles make it seem like the person turned abusive because of the relationship they were in. However, in reality, those qualities in the abuser were there before they even entered the relationship with their partner.

How does an Abusive Relationship Start?

Why is it that some people always end up in abusive relationships? I'm sure this question has crossed your mind before. Maybe it's a loved one who's currently struggling, maybe it's your friend, or maybe, just maybe, it's you. Let me guess; you've been told to "just trust your gut," yet can't seem to get it quite right. They make it sound so sickeningly simple: "you chose to be in such a relationship." No one chose to be in an abusive relationship. No one.

"But it's easy," they say, "all you have to do is look for the red flags." It is important to acknowledge the red flags, undoubtedly so, but it runs much deeper than that. It's not just a simple "gut feeling," and The Bulletproof Club will always dive deep to provide their clients and readers with answers.

1. The Glue

The Glue is what holds the relationship together, but it also plays a vital role when we refer to the initial attraction. Whether it was instant chemistry, love at first sight, or an undeniable sense of knowing this person, The Glue is an important concept when it comes to abusive relationships. In toxic or abusive relationships there are moments when the pair is on cloud nine, and moments when they have intense arguments and fights. Both tend to stretch to the extreme. There doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground. It's either the one or the other. When we talk about The Glue, it is what keeps this pair together even when they're on the opposite end of Utopia. What is the good in the relationship that swings them back to Cloud Nine?

How do we connect? Or relate to one another? Well, we as humans are complex beings. We have layers. You can see it as different parts of ourselves. These parts, positioned in 5 layers, all have their own agendas, needs and wants. It's absolutely abstract to talk about them as one entity, as they all work together and influence one another, but for clarification purposes, we single them out. People have outer layers and inner layers. From which parts you connect with someone is unique to each relationship. If all of us have layers, then we can connect on different levels and from different parts.

We tend to see a strong connection with a powerful drive when two parties experience some sort of fulfillment offered by their partners. Their unfulfilled needs are unique to themselves, and it requires a level of awareness and guidance to pinpoint their own driving mechanisms. (This is where The Bulletproof Club steps in).

But here's the catch: That initial attraction could be rooted from an outer persona that the abuser has due to his own backstory. There is a reason why every part of you is positioned where it is, and why it wants what it wants. They could all work together, or they could work against each other. But the combination of the three parts that we present to the world can get very complex and intricate. For today, we'll focus on an example.

Tom and Kate had an instant connection when they met one night out in town. The relationship moved fast, and they were dating within weeks. It only took a couple of months before Tom became abusive towards Kate. How'd this even happen?

We need to look at the details of their backstories, but let's only touch on the key points for this article:

• Kate grew up in an unsafe environment.

• She was sexually molested by her uncle at the age of 10.

• One night, she witnessed her mother being physically abused by her stepfather. She was only 4 years old.

• Kate grew up to be incredibly resilient with a strong sense of stability. However, she had a big part located in her inner layers from which her drive stems from. Her unfulfilled need, unbeknownst to her, is to be safe. Every single part of Kate is working full-steam to protect her, and the system her psyche has created is working out great for her.
  

• Tom grew up with parents who moved a lot. He was switched between schools every year.

• Because he was always "the new kid," he never felt a sense of belonging.

• Tom made friends quickly, and once he settled, his parents would move the family to a new location.

• Tom loved to travel, and exploring with his family became a necessity.

• The entire family was ambitious, had a strong sense of entrepreneurship and they prided themselves in being "larger than life."

• When Tom was 13 years old, they moved to a foreign country where he did not understand the language. Once again being outed, he fell into a one-year long depression.

• Because Tom did not understand the language he assumed the kids were mocking him. Tom decided it was imperative to learn the language to fit in. However, not only did he catch on quickly, but he also started to go to clubs, consuming alcohol excessively, and he slept with countless women; he just needed to feel accepted.

• Tom became the life of every party, he was confident, and he stood strong in his own certainty, yet he was borderless. He felt at his best surrounded by a group of friends, and he prided himself in not being insecure.

• However, his unfulfilled need, unbeknownst to him, is to be secure.

Kate was instantly attracted to Tom's self-confidence and larger than life personality. She felt safe around him. Tom was instantly drawn to Kate's strong personality with the ability to be resilient, as she created a sense of security. Both are highly intelligent and doing great in school. They had chemistry, and they enjoyed each others' company.

But here's the twist: Whenever Tom's insecurities get triggered, whenever his sense of belonging feels threatened, he erupts in anger. He may become numb, frozen or highly aggressive. The feeling of irrelevance haunts him. Kate once invited him over to her place for a romantic evening. Late that night his friends called wanting to know where he was. Tom told them he was at his girlfriend's place, then felt judged for not spending more time with them. Feeling outed, like he's not part of the pack, he got triggered. Not knowing what exactly set him off, he thought he was mad about something Kate had done. The confusion and constant back and forth started to break Kate's sense of stability, and she no longer felt safe. There was a disruption in both parties' psyches, and the entire relationship spiraled downward.

All in the name of trying to attain psychological equilibrium.

2. The Drive

We all have different cognitive ways of processing information. There are many different drives with different qualities, but for today, we'll focus on a quick example. Marilyn Monroe was predominantly in the surrendering spell drive. She had a way of doing things which had everyone at her behest. Nicole Kidman is more often than not in the dominating spell drive. One isn't better than the other, but it does affect the dynamics when a person enters a relationship with someone else.

Everyone has a dominant and subordinate drive.

If someone like Marilyn Monroe with a surrendering spell-drive enters a relationship with someone in a destructive passion drive, there are ways they could form a connection. However, if this person's passion drive takes the form of desire, he could become blind to circumstance and deaf to entreaty (a complete unawareness). When this person comes at you, he'd hardly listen, even when you're begging him to stop. If stability is the last thing we see in this person, and he takes on destructive behavior, and he's got an unbridled appetite (highly dangerous), you can just imagine where this relationship will go. There will be moments of violence of a typhoon that will stop at nothing in pursuit of satisfaction.

3. Deflectable Meter

The Deflectable Meter is the degree to which someone deflects abuse on a conscious level. Once the Deflectable Meter has been met, the person consciously realizes that he or she's being abused. This might cause confusion and come as a shock.

Deflectable Meter: Why People Don't Realize They Are in an Abusive Relationship.

We call it the Silent Killer for a reason. When you make a new friend, and they make a nasty joke about you, for some reason, at first, you seem to have the ability to let it slide or to let it go. It's "deflectable" at first. Whether it's "deflectable" or not, does NOT make it acceptable. However, when this friend creates a pattern of abuse, the inner body is the first to respond, often unbeknownst to the victim. By the time most people realize they've been in an abusive relationship, there's already been a disruption in their psyches. Everyone's Deflectable Meters look different. The height of your "realization point" depends on many things. Were you conditioned to "brush things off" growing up? Were you afraid to "be the one who can't take a joke." Ask yourself: What contributed and pushed your Deflectable Meter up on the scale? It could've also been the "it was just a joke" phrase. It could be that you're so empathetic that you place yourself in everyone's shoes, trying to accept certain behaviors. Are you codependent? Do you frequently give people the benefit of the doubt? Do you regularly put others' needs above yours? There are so many reasons for the "realization point" to scoot up higher and higher. Even if your good qualities contributed towards its height, the abuser exploited them and used them to his/her advantage. So if Tom and Kate went on a string of romantic dates before officially dating, even if he made a few inappropriate jokes and hurtful comments, Kate might've not recognized that his behavior was abusive. Working with us will make it much easier to spot abuse, and your Deflectable Meters only need a level of awareness/consciousness for you to have a healthy balance between enjoying a life full of joy, and not tolerating behavior that might hurt you.

4. Neurochemistry

Due to the strong initial attraction, which eventually roots itself as The Glue, the brain and the body gets flooded with hormones. It's all about the chemicals that are released into our bodies as we experience lust, attraction, and attachment.

Romantic situations produce an immediate spike in dopamine and oxytocin levels.

Phenylethylamine (PEA) is a chemical that naturally occurs in the brain and is also found in some foods, such as chocolate. It is a stimulant, much like an amphetamine, that causes the release of norepinephrine and dopamine. This chemical is released when you are falling in love. It's responsible for the head-over-heels, elated part of love.

Dopamine is stimulated by the "chase" aspect of love. It alerts us that our needs are about to be met.

Oxytocin is a feeling of attachment. Dopamine triggers the release of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the 'cuddle hormone.' It comes with a more sustained and calm longing. It is the intimacy we feel (or think we feel) after connecting on several levels. A study has found that the more oxytocin there is at the beginning of a relationship, the longer a couple is said to stay together.

Serotonin is a mood-stabilizing neurotransmitter. When you feel like everything is under control and well balanced and calm, that’s serotonin at work. It’s secreted when you feel or think you are significant, confident and capable. Serotonin can increase our dependence on another person.

Abusive relationships often form due to a genuine connection between two parties, but it's not always as it seems, and what transpires will be unique to each individual and situation.

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